reblog this post with the oldest meme you can think of
wow my brother was telling me this joke and he said
"if you’re fighting with a woman and she pulls a knife on you, just pull out the bread and cheese and meat and her womanly instincts will kick in and she’ll just make you a sandwich"
then all of a sudden our mom emerges from the kitchen holding a huge ass knife and she approaches my brother asking “sorry what was that?” and he started screaming
100000000 points to mom.
when i was in year 5, i did a speech on clumsiness for my school’s public speaking contest and to be clever, i tripped on my way to the stage dropping my note cards all over the place, but then i pulled the real ones out of my pocket saying ‘if you’re going to be clumsy, it pays to be prepared!’
everyone lost their shit and i got second place
If you got second place who got first… Did they talk about fire safety and burn the stage down or something
At Walmart. Bought a yellow scarf and a clear umbrella.
Cashier looks at me. I can see their gears turning.
"Shot in the dark," they said. "But this wouldn’t happen to be for a cosplay would it?"
I was like, “Oh… Oh my god.”
"Oh my god!"
"Welp. I know what you’re into."
"You too, though."
Winks were exchanged. Today is a good day.